The Necessity of Hibernation in Marriage

The weather has been beautiful this week. The onions, garlic, and potatoes are coming up in the garden, and there are many new seedlings coming up which were planted just days ago in a safe and secure shed in our backyard. They will be ready to transplant into our garden in just a few short weeks. Watermelon, squash, zuchinni, bell peppers. I even started some zinnia and morning glory seedlings for the yard. It is safe to say that I have personally loved this year's early signs of spring.

It goes without saying that I am very thankful winter is over. I am an outside girl and I always will be. I love sunshine and warm weather, tennis courts, fishing, anything that can be done in spring and summer. Anyone who knows me will tell you I detest rainy; gloomy weather. Even worse, I despise cold and snow. I would rather sign up for a colonoscopy than have weather like that. Even so, I understand that the colorless; dead appearance of outdoors in the winter is a requirement in order for nature to survive. I know it has immense value and that even though I cannot see it, there are wonderful things going on in nature that will result in a beautiful spring when the time is right.

On the flipside, when we do not have a proper winter season, there are many negative side effects. Some of those include pest infiltration in our crops, drought conditions, and poor growth of vegetation. Rest, recuperation, conserving energy, and protection from the outside elements are crucial for healthy crops and beautiful springs.

This same principal can and often should apply to marriage. Marriage is a sacred union, joined together by God and the vows of one man and one woman. It produces many wonderful things: emotional and spiritual maturity, unconditional love, children, family, homes, a witness for Christ, etc. It's concept was designed by God and was intended to be the purest kind of relational love with the exception of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for our sins. It was actually designed to model the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost). Scripture is very clear that marriage is to consist only of one husband, one wife, and God. There should be no other person or thing in that triangle.

Sadly, in our culture today, God's measuring stick for marriage is not the world's. The world tells us we are to be completely independent of our spouse,choosing to focus on whatever else bring us true happiness. Sometimes that is our career, sometimes it is our money or stature in the community. Other times it is a busy schedule, the goal for a perfect supermodel body, and sometimes it can even be church. Perhaps the worst cause of distance and isolation in a marriage are people who claim to be our friends and family. These are the people we trust the most with our personal struggles and heartaches, yet many times they are the first to encourage us to sell our marital committment short for temporary; misguided pleasures on this earth.

For Bryan and I, it is the latter. Ours is a family that has been ripped apart at the seams by the demands of unhappy, hurting, and insecure children. Children who honestly feel that I should not be in their father's life. As I look back on the last 18 months, I have to laugh at the number of family functions and activities I have been uninvited to simply because I am unaccepted (at least for the time being). I have been banned from vehicle rides, family camping trips, school functions (including Graduation), courtroom sagas, etc. Pretty much, if you can name it, I have been banned from it. What once used to get under my skin now makes me laugh! It's not a laugh of haughtiness or disrespect. It's a laugh of amazement. All my life I have thought I was fairly insignificant and small to the general population. But I must be really important for people to go through all that trouble just for me.

All laughing aside, it has been a very painful process for our entire family for two reasons: (1) we have children who do no understand the design for marriage by a Holy God and (2) we simply cannot honor their request that he kick me to the curb in order to prove his love for them. We made vows to eachother and even more important: to God. We desperately want all of our children to accept our marriage and learn to embrace this new blessing from God, but it will have to be on their time; not ours. And in the meantime, we have to be patient and loving, but not compromise on God's standard for marriage. My memory escapes me as to how many actual times we have gone around this same mountain with them. But in spite of our best efforts, the relationships of all involved are strained at best.

What we have here is a basic struggle of two opposing worldviews mixed into the side effects of a very bitter divorce and custody battle. And suffice it to say: it has affected every relationship within our family right up to aunts, uncles, and even grandparents. Bryan and I were well prepared for the kids to lash out. We were not prepared for a family that would eventually encourage giving the children whatever they wanted at any expense as long as they are happy....even the expense of a failed marriage.

Genesis defines marriage as a man leaving his father and mother and being joined to his wife. They become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24). Mathew goes onto elaborate further in this concept by saying that the husband and wife are no longer two, but are one in the flesh. "What God has joined together, let not man separate." (Mathew 19:5-6). It is very clear after reading God's Word that He designed the marriage relationship to be unique from all others.

Nowhere in scripture do we find that God commands us to become one flesh with our children, our parents, our jobs, our money, etc. He only calls us to become unified with our spouse. Every single time we are tempted to put someone else or something else in our partner's place, trouble is bound to follow. Bryan and I can rest peacefully and secure in the fact that even though there are few people who agree with our model and goals for a successful marriage, God does.

Our situation is not special, There are many people out there who feel the mounting outside pressures of a faulty worldview system caving in on their marriage. Is it your children? Your job? Maybe it's money and career pressures, or maybe you are one of those middle aged Americans going through a mid-life crisis. Perhaps you are one of those ladies, listening to the advice of a friend who says,"You are a beautiful; intelligent lady. You don't need him- get out while you can." Whatever your adversary, you are most likely feeling a wave of guilt, panic, and confusion offset by a commonly sold lie that the only true happiness is the kind you accomplish alone-without the help of a spouse.

If you are one of these people and you feel like your marriage is under attack, take a lesson from nature: go into hibernation with your mate. Unplug your phones, turn off the computer and the television, if need be and finances allow, take a trip. Preferrably to the middle of nowhere so noone can find you for a few days. Find as many christian marriage books as you can stockpile and spend your days reading to eachother...edifying eachother and strengthening your marital bonds. Read God's Word and pray together. Make certain that as a couple that you are in the will of God. Then, take time to enjoy eachother. It matters little what you do, as long as you do not include anyone else in your time together. You are in hibernation with your mate...a time of sharing eachother's resources and conserving energy so you can grow together and emerge stronger and more united than before...able to take on the world together no matter what the challenge is.

"What God has joined together, let not man separate." (Mathew 19:5-6). Is there something trying to separate you from your spouse? Hibernate with them. I give you my word, a beautiful; prosperous spring is in your future.

A Prayer For the Forsaken

Heavenly Father,

I feel forsaken. I have set my path before you.

I have blessed when others have cursed; I have forgiven without being apologized to; I have asked for forgiveness and been rejected and denied.

My enemies are still persecuting me.

I have been faithful to you. I have been obedient. I need you to remember me.

Please do not leave me in my time of need.

I need your protection. I need your justice. I need your love. I need your grace.

My enemies are persecuting me and my family. Please help us Lord.

I have pledged my committment and faithfulness to you Lord. You alone are God.

I will walk in your ways no matter what it costs me. I will seek you in the morning and at night. I will not turn from you.

Please deliver me. Silence my enemies and cause them to be found out. Bring out truth so that we may be set free.

Please deliver me from the harm and evil intentions of those who hate me.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Finding The Beauty In Our Pain

"Life is messy; clean it up."  or... "Life stinks and then you die."

There are an infinite number of cliches used to describe the perils of our human existence. As human beings we know we cannot have it perfect all the time, but in the midst of our struggles, we immediately forget the sunny days of life and focus only on the negative. Is life messy? Yes. Does it stink? Sometimes. Are we all going to die? Without a doubt. So if none of these things are truly a surprise to us, why do we dwell on them in our times of turmoil?

Because life hurts. People hurt us. Some days life is so painful we no longer want to live. Most of us never entertain the thought of suicide, but we die to life in other ways. Maybe we give up our favorite hobbies, or maybe we stop communicating with those who love us. In some instances we may be tempted to turn to alcohol or drugs to mask our pain. There are millions of ways we mutilate ourselves to get rid of the pain others have caused us. Each one of us is unique in our pain and we all have an equally unique way of dealing with it.

At the same time we are trying to silence our pain, it becomes who we are. Until eventually, it just defines us. We can no longer remember who we were before we began hurting. There seems to be no way back to the previously happy existence we once called life. We become the walking dead. Lifeless and hopeless. Because that is what pain does. It debilitates us to the point where we emotionally suffocate and die.

I've been through many painful stages of life: divorce, the death of family members, the loss of friendships, family squabbles...the list goes on and on. But not one of these things compares to the pain of watching my step-children suffer simply because they are being used as a tool for revenge. Nothing compares with watching my husband's heart break repeatedly every time he reaches out to his children in love only to have the door slammed in his face. And nothing pains me more than to hear that there are children being encouraged by their mother to ignore all forms of contact from a loving; doting Dad simply because he has moved on in life.

But this is my reality. Divorce hurts people. And hurting people hurt people. On almost a daily basis, our children are being held hostage by a hurting parent who uses them to square the deal. And every day, our heart breaks at the long term damage this will cause our children emotionally. Not only do we suffer because we know they are in pain, but we suffer because they have been isolated so far from us that we cannot reach them to comfort them in their time of need. And to make matters worse, the one parent who has access to their tender hearts is the parent causing the division and pain. There are days where it truly seems hopeless and we want to give in and quit.

But it is in those moments where God quietly comforts me and tells me, If you will let me, I will use your pain to change the hearts of everyone in this situation. Do not run from your pain; learn to live and love through it.

I want to lash out at the person causing the pain. I want to have justice served. I want to build walls and protect my heart from the daily ritual of our children being ripped to shredds emotionally by people who cannot see beyond their own hurt and dissappointment in life long enough to put innocent children first. But even if I did these things, the hurt would be the same for me. And my selfishness would only cause more harm to others. There is only one solution that puts the needs of everyone in our situation first.

I am going to love. I am going to open my arms as wide as I can to those who broadcast to the world their hate for me. When they hurt me, I will reply with, "I love you." I will take whatever hurt they want to unload on me and return all their anger with unconditional love. I will bless them especially when they curse me. Because it makes me feel better? No. Loving people that hurt me will never make me bulletproof. Their words and actions will still cause my heart pain. I will still cry tears. But God will wipe them from my eyes and comfort me.

Today I hurt. There are people in my life who are causing me pain. Intentionally. My children are hurting. My husband is hurting. We are all hurting.  I have no answers and I have no idea when we will all feel better. But learning to love others in spite of that hurt is beautiful. God can use our hurt to change the hearts and lives of many if we will let Him complete His work in us. We just have to choose to love through our pain.

But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Genesis 50:20

When Peter Parker Comes Home

Every woman needs a hero. There is just something in our biological make up that needs to know in our darkest hour, someone will rush in and save us from harm. We need to be desired and held. We need someone to show us through their actions that they love us passionately. Enough so that they would give their lives for us if the situation called for it. A man that's dependable and true; who's intentions with us are completely honourable and not sinister. Every woman dreams of being loved by a man that will open all her doors and lay down his overcoat on a mud puddle to spare her from tarnishing even the soles of her shoes.

My favorite superhero is Peter Parker. A completely unique specimen in the world of heroes, he is the guy next door. He is completely devoted to his family, barely has a dollar to his name, strives to do right in all situations, and lives to make Mary Jane happy. Despite the fact that his boss is a jerk, people pick on him, and he can barely afford a hamburger, he musters the courage to fight evil every day. And what drives him to persevere through the perils of life is his love for his girl and his family.

My favorite scene in the original movie is the one where Peter has just rescued Mary Jane from a group of thugs. He swoops in, defends her honour, and whisks her away to safety. Although he desperately wants to stay and give her more time, he must go back to work. Duty calls. One can sense that she wants and needs him too, but she respects him for the work he is doing. She knows it makes him the man he is to help others and rescue her when she calls. So before he can disappear again, she gives him his just reward for saving her life. And with it: the promise to fulfill the need they both have of being together one day. As he hangs upside down by his web from the wall in front of her, she reaches over and gently rolls down his mask. And she gives him the kiss they have both been longing for.

I went 33 years before finding my Peter Parker. I like to say he found me. After praying many years for my hero to come, I had given up. I had convinced myself that I needed no one; I could get through life by myself. In fact, I told him as much when we met. His response: You have never had a man treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and until you do, you don't know what you need. I remember how insulted and angry I was that he had told me that. How dare he tell me what I need! He doesn't know me and he has no idea what I am capable of.

I must admit, his cockiness was very attractive to me. It still is. And he couldn't have been more right. From day one he opened all my doors, paid for all our dates, and told me things I had been waiting to hear all of my life. He made me feel so secure. The way he put his hand on the small of my back and led me into a room, the way he held my hand, even the way he looked into my eyes told me he loved me and would give anything for me. I never want to go back to feeling the way I did before he rescued me.

My hero works seven hours from home fourteen days every month. He sacrifices the comforts of his home so that he can save the day and take care of his family. He calls home every night and we do our couples devotional and pray together. When he cannot be with me, he still whispers the sweetest things in my ears via cell phone. And while I miss him terribly, I am secure in knowing that if I need him, he will drop everything and come to save me.

When he is home, he puts himself last. He holds me when I need to be held, he comforts and encourages me, and he takes care of things around the house that only a man can do. He is not a rich man by the world's standards, and his boss can be a jerk. But he never ceases to rise above his every day challenges to honour his wife and his family.

My husband is my Peter Parker and I have not seen him in 14 days. He will come home to me tomorrow. I believe a hero's welcome is in order.

How to Grow a Miracle

Spring is in the air these days. For me, the warmer; brighter weather has lifted my spirits. I have spent the last two days planting onions in our garden and preparing for the arrival of our baby chicks. Being able to get out in the sunshine and fresh air has brought some joy back into my soul and energy into my body. When  I look back on the last several months, I must admit I never thought I would feel this way again.

This past winter has been a time of gloominess plagued by long periods of emotional and spiritual death for Bryan and I. As individuals we felt discouraged, hopeless, and lost. As parents, we felt like failures. We were so sure when we started out that our love was so insurmountable in volume it would become contagious to those around us. Somehow we imagined it would spill  into our children with a force comparable to Niagara Falls, resulting in an instant unified family. We were wrong.

Blended familes are tough. They are even tougher when one or both ex-spouses encourage dissention in the ranks. It's hard enough when the children encounter the natural emotion of insecurity and jealousy to the new step-parent. It does irreparable damage when the biological parent plays off that insecurity and feeds the child's fears in order to make themselves look better.

While it is never beneficial to play the blame game, it goes without saying: things get ugly quick in these types of situations. And at the end of the day, when all the psychological games have been played, the children are the most influenced and the battle scars left on them will last a lifetime. The ugliness between their parents will forever change the blueprints of who they are. And it is never a change for the positive.

This is where we are right now. The battle has ended. The children have been forced to choose a side and they are wounded because they were brought into a battle that was never theirs to begin with. Bryan and I are left with the love we have for eachother, the love we have for our children, and the tattered and torn dream of a family that does not yet exist. We are all so bloodied and bruised we can no longer be certain we fully recognize eachother anymore. It's funny how looking at others through eyes filled with anger and bitterness can change a person from the inside out. It can make a once beautiful person very ugly and hardened.

I know this personally because it happened to me. Once our legal battle was over, I was able to actually breathe again. But I began to fixate on how nothing had turned out like we planned. How our dreams of having a loving; unified family had been taken from us. We had given one child what they wanted and needed, but it had cost us the relationship of some of our other children. I had a victim mentality; and it fueled my anger.

I began rehashing all the ugly things that had been said about us. All the mean spirited actions that had been taken against us; and all the lies that had been told about us. Before I knew it, replaying those things in my mind wasn't enough and I began to use my time to plot revenge against those that had stolen our dream and robbed us of our happiness.

To say the least, hatred had consumed me. And as hatred moved into my heart, joy moved out. I began to feel heavy and weighted down all the time. Negative thoughts consumed my mind. Things that once brought me excitement and passion had no meaning in my life. Bryan began making statements like You used to be happy. I can't wait to have my wife back. And I would cringe every time he said it. I knew he was right. I was miserable.

Out of desperateness for our broken realtionship with our children, I got on my knees and began asking God to change the hearts of others in our situation. I was convinced they were the problem. They were causing all my misery and if God could fix them, I would feel better. But God had other plans. He decided to change me first.

And the change He worked in me can be summed up in one word: Forgiveness. He caused me to look at my own faults and the ways I had failed Him. Then He reminded me that we all need Jesus. He made it clear to me that if I wanted to feel better, I would have to forgive those who had wronged me even if they never asked for my forgiveness. But He didn't stop there, He called me to ask for their forgiveness, even if they never gave it. I thought asking my enemies for forgiveness would kill me, but it actually felt amazing. Which is why when He told me to bless them, I willingly complied.

I cannot say much in our situation has changed. Our family is still broken. When we sit around the dinner table at night, we still grieve the presence of the children who refuse to be a part of the gift God has given us in family. The difference is: I am at peace. I no longer worry about how I will react if someone is ugly to me. God has already told me to return ugliness with unconditional love and blessings.

The weight is gone, my joy is back, and I have a deep seeded hope that God will answer our prayers and unify our family. Maybe not today. Probably not tomorrow. But in His timing, He will work it all out for good.

If we want to grow a miracle, there is but one required step:

Get on our knees.

My First Call To Selflessness

I love being me. No joy on this earth could possibly amount to the joy I get from being Bryan's wife. And nothing could compare to the sense of accomplishment I get from denying myself all the worldly treasures available to get on my knees and serve my children every day of their lives until I am called home. I must admit that on occassion, I do look in the mirror and think, I would really love a manicure or a haircut today. Some days I even think to myself I would really love to be driving that new 4x4 Excursion my husband dreams of buying me (so I can have more room in my MomTaxi).

But mostly I think Lord, my ministry is my husband and my children. How can I bless them today? How can you use me today in their lives? Behind every errand run, every load of laundry, and every dish washed, I want to serve the people I love the most. The people who never leave my thoughts and heart for more than two seconds a day. The same people I would lay my life down for without ever batting an eye. I love being me; and I love my family.

But I wasn't always this way. Once upon a time, I was a 16 year old girl who's world was rocked upside down when she learned she way going to have a baby. Outside of wedlock. A girl who left behind her dreams of a career in music and all the fantastical promises of high school to drop out and be a mother. Did I mention out of wedlock? All I could think about was how this was going to affect me? What about my college dreams? What about my social life?

Two weeks before I turned 17, I married. I was whole heartedly committed to doing what was "right." Being the classic overachiever, I had already decided to simply transfer my desire from music to a new goal: to be the best wife and mother I could be. I gathered every book I could find on both subjects and studied indepthly. I took notes and examined my weaknesses and strengths. I strategized on the areas in my life that needed work with the ultimate goal of perfection. And true to form, I cut ties with everyone from my past who did not fit into my future. The problem was: I was only concentrating on the intellectual. When the moment of truth came, and that baby was delivered to my arms, I was paralyzed. Despite all the book knowledge in the world, I just wasn't prepared for the roller coaster range of emotions my firstborn brought out in me.

I remember being scared, embarrassed (that I did not know how to be a Mom), nervous, self-conscious, depressed, and hopeless. Mostly scared. And I was so disappointed in myself that I had done all that research to fail. The humility that came with all those people in my hospital room, telling me to do this and do that. But don't do it this way because that would be bad for the baby. My mind was on overload, I felt like a failure, and all I wanted to do was go home. In fact I checked myself out of the hospital early just to avoid a group of my old high school girlfiends from coming to see me in my state of neediness and desperateness.

But something happened when I arrived home. All of a sudden, it was just me and her. No nurses, no family. Just the two of us. And as I laid her in the crib with perfectly planned bedding, a miracle occurred. I watched her sleeping so soundly in that crib, her chest rising so delicately with each breath she took. How tiny she was....how innocent she was. And for the first time in my life, my heart began beating for someone other than myself. It was then I realized: the best blessings in life from God are rarely planned. He loves to surprise us; and in big ways.

All of a sudden, I wanted to give her everything she needed at any expense. No cost was too high. Sleepless nights, not bathing for days, crying that would peel commercial grade paint off walls due to collic: no problem. As long as she knew I loved her, it was all worth it. And when she was in the room, no one else existed. She was my first true love, my first heart beat.

Over the years, I cannot say I have done everything right. To the contrary, I have made many, many mistakes. Seventeen and a half years later, she has come so far. She is a far better woman that I was at her age. And she is definitely not a little girl anymore. Sometimes I think she knows more about the secrets of life than I do. In the last six months alone, she has purchased her own car, graduated early and is actively seeking her first job. But more importantly than the world's standard of achievement: she models love, patience, and forgiveness to everyone that comes in contact with her. I would like to say I set a good example for her. But the reverse is actually true.

Seventeen and a half years after I laid her in that baby bed, she is still my heartbeat. Oh I know I will have to let her go soon. Into a big; bad; and scary world. But I also know that I love her. More than her choices, more than her accomplishments, and more than her mistakes. I will rejoice with her in good times, grieve with her in sad times, and love her in all times. God used her to teach me what unconditional love is all about. She is my very first call to selflessness. She brought my heart to life. She is my daughter.

I love you Dallas. I know God has something very special in store for you.

Love,

Mom

The Peace That Passes Understanding

Why me God? How can you ask me to love my enemies? I will be obedient to you because I love you, but why?

For days nothing else has entered my thoughts. How can I show them I love them? How can I mend the wounded spirits that have been held hostage and mangled in this mess? Hours upon hours of thought have gone into the process. Will they give the gifts I offer to a homeless man, or worse, throw them in the trash? What if my efforts are all in vain? The mind can be a torture device if not restrained properly.

"Give freely. With no strings attached, " says the Holy Spirit. I pass the discount shelves and am tempted to buy the most inexpensive item available and call it a day. But God continues to convict me that I must give my best. "If they are going to believe you love them, it has to cost you something," he says. "Offer them no less than you would yourself." Ouch. With a sour taste in my mouth, I continue browsing and scheming, looking for that perfect item to give those who have caused such pain and anguish in my soul.

Lord, do you not remember all the horrible things I have been through. Have you forgotten how many nights I worried myself sick? All the tears I have cried? All the strain it has caused my new marriage? My mind replayed all the horrible, rotten things they had said and done. Memories of the long; miserable days and the physical ill affects they had on my body came flooding back in. Racking up a $30,000.00 legal price tag left me in complete and utter financial ruin. These people hate me. They attacked me and left me emotionally dead  Lord. I have done as you asked: I have forgiven them, and asked for their forgiveness. They refuse to accept my apology and have made no changes in their behavior towards me. Please do not ask me to bless them.

"Do you love me?" he asks. "Because I love you my child. I want what is best for you. If you want to be rid of this burden regardless of their behavior, you must be obedient. I never asked you to treat them like you thought they deserved to be treated. I commanded you treat them how you want to be treated."

As a child, I had learned the Golden Rule. I knew God was right. I finished my shopping, being careful not to pick up anything that didn't meet my own standards of quality. With each thing I purchased, I made sure to pray that God would bless this gift and help it change the heart of the one receiving it. As I prayed, a calmness came over me and I was filled with a Christ like love for my adversaries. I began to see them through God's eyes and not my own.

God continued His process of changing my heart by reminding me that He loves them too. He shared with me that He had wiped their tears at the same time He was wiping mine. There hurts were no bigger than my own. And I was no more important than they are. Not in His eyes. We are all His children and we all need the unconditional love of Jesus Christ. As he shared, the bitterness in my heart melted. It was replaced with love. Love for my enemies and peace that everything will be okay.

This weekend, I will have these gifts delivered to the people who have brought me such pain and misery. The same people who God has used to draw me close to Him and demonstrate to me what real unconditional love is. My motivation is not to recieve a thank you or an apology. Its simply to be obedient to the God I love and trust. The God who has given me a love for these individuals I never thought I could have.

He has blessed me immensely for my obedience. I have hope that He will heal the broken relationships in my situation, and I walk much lighter now not carrying the weight of guilt and sought after restitution. Some people may think I am crazy. I have apologized to people who have wished me evil. I have asked for forgiveness and received no response. I have taken what little money I had a blessed them with things that would brighten their days.

Does this make me a saint? No, it makes me a sinner who is focused on God and His will for my life. I'm not crazy. I just have a peace that passes all human understanding. God is soverign. He will handle this in His time. And if I keep my focus on Him and remain obedient, everything will be okay.