I love being me. No joy on this earth could possibly amount to the joy I get from being Bryan's wife. And nothing could compare to the sense of accomplishment I get from denying myself all the worldly treasures available to get on my knees and serve my children every day of their lives until I am called home. I must admit that on occassion, I do look in the mirror and think, I would really love a manicure or a haircut today. Some days I even think to myself I would really love to be driving that new 4x4 Excursion my husband dreams of buying me (so I can have more room in my MomTaxi).
But mostly I think Lord, my ministry is my husband and my children. How can I bless them today? How can you use me today in their lives? Behind every errand run, every load of laundry, and every dish washed, I want to serve the people I love the most. The people who never leave my thoughts and heart for more than two seconds a day. The same people I would lay my life down for without ever batting an eye. I love being me; and I love my family.
But I wasn't always this way. Once upon a time, I was a 16 year old girl who's world was rocked upside down when she learned she way going to have a baby. Outside of wedlock. A girl who left behind her dreams of a career in music and all the fantastical promises of high school to drop out and be a mother. Did I mention out of wedlock? All I could think about was how this was going to affect me? What about my college dreams? What about my social life?
Two weeks before I turned 17, I married. I was whole heartedly committed to doing what was "right." Being the classic overachiever, I had already decided to simply transfer my desire from music to a new goal: to be the best wife and mother I could be. I gathered every book I could find on both subjects and studied indepthly. I took notes and examined my weaknesses and strengths. I strategized on the areas in my life that needed work with the ultimate goal of perfection. And true to form, I cut ties with everyone from my past who did not fit into my future. The problem was: I was only concentrating on the intellectual. When the moment of truth came, and that baby was delivered to my arms, I was paralyzed. Despite all the book knowledge in the world, I just wasn't prepared for the roller coaster range of emotions my firstborn brought out in me.
I remember being scared, embarrassed (that I did not know how to be a Mom), nervous, self-conscious, depressed, and hopeless. Mostly scared. And I was so disappointed in myself that I had done all that research to fail. The humility that came with all those people in my hospital room, telling me to do this and do that. But don't do it this way because that would be bad for the baby. My mind was on overload, I felt like a failure, and all I wanted to do was go home. In fact I checked myself out of the hospital early just to avoid a group of my old high school girlfiends from coming to see me in my state of neediness and desperateness.
But something happened when I arrived home. All of a sudden, it was just me and her. No nurses, no family. Just the two of us. And as I laid her in the crib with perfectly planned bedding, a miracle occurred. I watched her sleeping so soundly in that crib, her chest rising so delicately with each breath she took. How tiny she was....how innocent she was. And for the first time in my life, my heart began beating for someone other than myself. It was then I realized: the best blessings in life from God are rarely planned. He loves to surprise us; and in big ways.
All of a sudden, I wanted to give her everything she needed at any expense. No cost was too high. Sleepless nights, not bathing for days, crying that would peel commercial grade paint off walls due to collic: no problem. As long as she knew I loved her, it was all worth it. And when she was in the room, no one else existed. She was my first true love, my first heart beat.
Over the years, I cannot say I have done everything right. To the contrary, I have made many, many mistakes. Seventeen and a half years later, she has come so far. She is a far better woman that I was at her age. And she is definitely not a little girl anymore. Sometimes I think she knows more about the secrets of life than I do. In the last six months alone, she has purchased her own car, graduated early and is actively seeking her first job. But more importantly than the world's standard of achievement: she models love, patience, and forgiveness to everyone that comes in contact with her. I would like to say I set a good example for her. But the reverse is actually true.
Seventeen and a half years after I laid her in that baby bed, she is still my heartbeat. Oh I know I will have to let her go soon. Into a big; bad; and scary world. But I also know that I love her. More than her choices, more than her accomplishments, and more than her mistakes. I will rejoice with her in good times, grieve with her in sad times, and love her in all times. God used her to teach me what unconditional love is all about. She is my very first call to selflessness. She brought my heart to life. She is my daughter.
I love you Dallas. I know God has something very special in store for you.
Love,
Mom
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