How to Grow a Miracle

Spring is in the air these days. For me, the warmer; brighter weather has lifted my spirits. I have spent the last two days planting onions in our garden and preparing for the arrival of our baby chicks. Being able to get out in the sunshine and fresh air has brought some joy back into my soul and energy into my body. When  I look back on the last several months, I must admit I never thought I would feel this way again.

This past winter has been a time of gloominess plagued by long periods of emotional and spiritual death for Bryan and I. As individuals we felt discouraged, hopeless, and lost. As parents, we felt like failures. We were so sure when we started out that our love was so insurmountable in volume it would become contagious to those around us. Somehow we imagined it would spill  into our children with a force comparable to Niagara Falls, resulting in an instant unified family. We were wrong.

Blended familes are tough. They are even tougher when one or both ex-spouses encourage dissention in the ranks. It's hard enough when the children encounter the natural emotion of insecurity and jealousy to the new step-parent. It does irreparable damage when the biological parent plays off that insecurity and feeds the child's fears in order to make themselves look better.

While it is never beneficial to play the blame game, it goes without saying: things get ugly quick in these types of situations. And at the end of the day, when all the psychological games have been played, the children are the most influenced and the battle scars left on them will last a lifetime. The ugliness between their parents will forever change the blueprints of who they are. And it is never a change for the positive.

This is where we are right now. The battle has ended. The children have been forced to choose a side and they are wounded because they were brought into a battle that was never theirs to begin with. Bryan and I are left with the love we have for eachother, the love we have for our children, and the tattered and torn dream of a family that does not yet exist. We are all so bloodied and bruised we can no longer be certain we fully recognize eachother anymore. It's funny how looking at others through eyes filled with anger and bitterness can change a person from the inside out. It can make a once beautiful person very ugly and hardened.

I know this personally because it happened to me. Once our legal battle was over, I was able to actually breathe again. But I began to fixate on how nothing had turned out like we planned. How our dreams of having a loving; unified family had been taken from us. We had given one child what they wanted and needed, but it had cost us the relationship of some of our other children. I had a victim mentality; and it fueled my anger.

I began rehashing all the ugly things that had been said about us. All the mean spirited actions that had been taken against us; and all the lies that had been told about us. Before I knew it, replaying those things in my mind wasn't enough and I began to use my time to plot revenge against those that had stolen our dream and robbed us of our happiness.

To say the least, hatred had consumed me. And as hatred moved into my heart, joy moved out. I began to feel heavy and weighted down all the time. Negative thoughts consumed my mind. Things that once brought me excitement and passion had no meaning in my life. Bryan began making statements like You used to be happy. I can't wait to have my wife back. And I would cringe every time he said it. I knew he was right. I was miserable.

Out of desperateness for our broken realtionship with our children, I got on my knees and began asking God to change the hearts of others in our situation. I was convinced they were the problem. They were causing all my misery and if God could fix them, I would feel better. But God had other plans. He decided to change me first.

And the change He worked in me can be summed up in one word: Forgiveness. He caused me to look at my own faults and the ways I had failed Him. Then He reminded me that we all need Jesus. He made it clear to me that if I wanted to feel better, I would have to forgive those who had wronged me even if they never asked for my forgiveness. But He didn't stop there, He called me to ask for their forgiveness, even if they never gave it. I thought asking my enemies for forgiveness would kill me, but it actually felt amazing. Which is why when He told me to bless them, I willingly complied.

I cannot say much in our situation has changed. Our family is still broken. When we sit around the dinner table at night, we still grieve the presence of the children who refuse to be a part of the gift God has given us in family. The difference is: I am at peace. I no longer worry about how I will react if someone is ugly to me. God has already told me to return ugliness with unconditional love and blessings.

The weight is gone, my joy is back, and I have a deep seeded hope that God will answer our prayers and unify our family. Maybe not today. Probably not tomorrow. But in His timing, He will work it all out for good.

If we want to grow a miracle, there is but one required step:

Get on our knees.